This is a blog I've been meaning to write for several years now. The content is hard for me, humbling to share, but too important to keep to myself. I intend it to be a sort of PSA per say, as I had to learn things the hard way. I hope that maybe just maybe someone might not need to.
At the ripe age of 25, after suffering from years of horrible cramps (the kind that I could only put a dent in with a couple of strong pain killers), I decided to ask a doctor for birth control pills. I had heard that this really helped with cramps and also delayed or helped endometriosis, a condition my mother suffered from until her hysterectomy and I feared I would suffer from as well.
The doctor handed me a prescription without question or explanation. Of course, I was 25, not a child by any means. I took the pills and my cramps were SO MUCH BETTER! I was thrilled. I didn't give the pills another thought as I continued to take them for the next three years.
The following three years of my life were.... absolute hell for me. I became emotional, angry, depressed, anxious and just completely unhappy.
I was out of control. The anxiety and anxiety attacks were the worst. It stopped me from living my life almost completely. I quit jobs. I didn't work for a lot of that time. I had trouble just carrying on with day to day life.I felt frozen at the thought of doing anything. I was depressed and lashed out at my husband. Any little thing could and would be completely earth shattering to me and would send me in a tailspin. I was even bordering suicidal at times.
The lowest moment for me was one day I left work during my lunch hour. I got into an argument with my husband on the phone, had an anxiety attack and drove myself off the road in hysterics. I popped 2 or 3 of my tires and drove on the rims onto a side road. That's the day I quit my job (a job that I had had for only 2 months at that point). That was also the day that I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. It was just pure torture for me and anyone close to me, mostly my husband, but also my parents. My mom did research and found my symptoms in line with PMDD and PTSD. No matter what it was, I had to get help.
I finally began suspecting the birth control and talked to my OB/GYN at my annual check up. I told her about my depression and anxiety when she asked me about my birth control. She told me it *wasn't* the birth control and that was that. She asked me no other questions, offered no help or insight. But at the end of the appointment, she did tell me to see "my doctor". (Didn't really have a doctor I regularly saw, besides her for my annual check up... I just saw whoever when something came up, which was very rare).
I was upset that she brushed me off after telling her about my problem. I was broken and she didn't even care. But I went to see a nurse practitioner and after filling out a few surveys I was prescribed prozac. After a few weeks I definitely saw an improvement. I began feeling like myself again. Not artificially happy, just like myself. Well, mostly.
I took the prozac for about 8 months with success. About 6 months in I stopped taking birth control because we decided we wanted to have a baby. Once I found out I was pregnant I weaned myself off of the prozac. I had a great time being pregnant (a few normal hormonal emotional days as to be expected!) and suffered no postpartum depression or anxiety. I have been off of the birth control and prozac for almost two years and I have never been happier, my marriage is stronger and better than ever. I adore being a mom and I enjoy every moment.. even those sleepless nights with my baby.
I hate that those three years are a part of my past. It was horrible. But I am so happy now and have a greater understanding of the way my body works, what anxiety and depression feel like and do to you, a greater understanding of hormonal birth control (which I will NEVER EVER EVER TAKE AGAIN! for obvious reasons, but also another reason you will find below.. keep reading!). I wish my doctor had told me to be on the look out for these symptoms so I could have gotten off of it and saved my family and me so much heartache. But she didn't and I didn't and it happened. So I would rather share my story and maybe I can save someone else that pain.
Another thing I learned recently is actually HOW hormonal birth control works. It is an abortifacient as well as a contraceptive, which is why it is so effective. Had I known this, I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER have taken the pill in the first place! I'm very pro-life and the thought of this makes me so sick. But again, no one ever told me. If you do some research you will find that the pill works 4 ways:
1. Stops ovulation (however this doesn't always happen)
2. Changes your cervical mucus to hinder sperm from fertilizing an egg
3. Changes the movement of the fallopian tubes to hinder fertilization
4. CREATES A LINING OF THE UTERUS WHICH IS INSUFFICIENT FOR IMPLANTATION IN CASE AN EGG BECOMES FERTILIZED - this is the abortifacient element.
http://www.pfli.org/faq_oc.html
Taking artificial hormones was one of THE absolute worst decisions of my life. There are more ways, natural and herbal, to help with cramps and to aid in a healthy uterus. Thankfully, with the lactation hormones, I have not had to deal with cramps yet! One of the many perks of breastfeeding. :) And barrier method or family planning are (in my opinion) better methods of birth control.
I will end with one of my favorite quotes summarizing my journey and new knowledge of hormonal birth control.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
- Maya Angelou
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